Dear AJ,

I understand that there is deep hole in the bottom of your heart at the moment. It's at that exact spot that no matter how much you try to fill it in or whatever you fill it in with just filters through the hole. It's that gap that never seems to close. And with each exhale it seems to get deeper. And it's heavy. And it hurts. You have to push through it. The heart ache. You have to.

Kiss of Death

We sat in the car, holding hands, just because if he let go, I would float away. I know that sounds physically impossible but shut up for a second, and feel the way I feel, and you’d understand. He tightens the grip. He understands. But to what extent? Now is not the time to get into that, he just does. He lifts his thick left eyebrow like he always does when he can tell that I'm going deep in my head. I giggle because he really has no clue. We all don't. All he understands is to not let go of my hand because there is a possibility I will float if he does. And that's all I want right now. I put my hand on his face to wipe away that stupid look, and he grabs my hand, still holding the other and pulls me closer to his face where our lips almost touch. Almost.
The tip of our noses touches. He nudges mine with his. I can't help but to smile because that kills me. Butterfly kisses, babe, and you're a tease. And I'm a hopeless romantic. So that kills me. I breathed him in. And at the last bit of inhale, he leans and kisses me. His lips feels like sweet desert rain and his tongue melts in my mouth. I, naturally, melt into his body and surrendered that if I died right now for all of my sins, hell better feel this satisfying.

Desert ending

The sun rose over the desert mountains. The last time I was here was when you promised to never leave again so I took you back. I'm riding my bike on an empty rode. The golden purple of the desert skies is as deep as the road goes on. I stopped riding and put the bike on the side of the road. I reached inside my side sack to look for matches and my sticks. A whirl of exhaustion flooded in my body.  My head spinning. I dropped my bag and everything in it spilled all over the dirt. 

I fell unto my knees to make the world stop turning too fast.

Another sleepless night, going on day two, of what is a weekly pattern finally caught up to me. I began dry heaving as memories of you made my heart race and my mind kept spinning. The desert heat and dryness was increasing. I couldn't move.

I laid on the ground, cramped, like an abandoned piece of scrap.

Weakness couldn't even compare to what my body was processing. It was giving up.

I was giving up.

"You have to push through it," she persisted, "... because there is no other choice." 

I've contemplated about the other choice and I'm not going to lie, it sounds better than pushing through this. We stood on the pier as the sun rises to noon. She goes on with sympathy and I genuinely love her for it. She has been my rock. But I phased out two sentences ago.

The tides are low due to the rain last night. The very little rain California gets to experience. We've been watching a strange Aussie methodically draw these symmetrical patterns on the sand. His amazing accuracy. Too bad the tides will wash it all away in less than an hour.

All that effort. Gone in a blink of an eye.

And everything else will presume unaffected.

"AJ, did you hear me?" 

I looked at her bewildered, "Whether we remain in the ash or become the phoenix is up to us."

Climbing

The creek is still. The water mirrored the world. And my reflection. I washed my aching, rough hands with water. It's good to be outdoors again. The guys are behind me clearing boulder problem #5, laughing as they joke with the circumstance. Boulder #5, typical V6 outdoors, V8 indoors, with *** due to if you fail, your crash pad is the murky Malibu creek that hasn't moved in weeks.

"Straight up like Paula Abdul" proclaimed Demetri as he gained the courage to grab the first hold. I turn around to watch his first attempt as I rub my elbow still feeling the insecurities from the previous injury. Just as Demetri always does, he shows off by gluing his whole body using nothing but the tip of his toe and palms on the rock. I can see his back muscle ripple with his breath as he reaches the slope on his right and pushes off with his toe and successfully hold to the next. If sliding across the rock wasn't hard enough, the next move is an even awkward one with reaching for a hidden hold with only a two finger grip.

I learned that move a month ago, relying on the very tip of my fingers and trusting my weight is evenly distributed between those two, and that I was strong enough. You were impressed of how much I've improved exponentially in the five months I started training. I did it so I could keep up with you. I rubbed my elbow again, there is a slight chill in the air.

Demetri attempts and was quick enough to jump back on land instead of falling in the water. Better off that way, he'll probably get "creek crud" if he did. He looks over at me and smiles. They wave me over. I return the smile and gallop my way back to the moment.

The memory of you still lingers in my bone. But that's all your becoming. 

Beginning of March

I took this photo last week during my visit in middle America. I swear I said I would never travel under these conditions ever again but a nice reminder of exactly why I swore this off eight years ago sets my decision in stone. Never again. Can you believe I was about to move my entire life into a country that 75% dwells in this and the other 25% is rain? Love will make you compromise that's for damn sure. Dodged a bullet on that one. 

The irony is I still found myself traveling under those conditions as well as head in the direction towards the country that would have been my new home. One cold state to another till a twelve hour flight landed me to the coldest country in Europe. Why move meditatively towards something naturally I am uncomfortable in? The warmest thing I had was an oversize winter parka I recently bought at a Goodwill store in Chicago. My fingers froze. My stomach churned at every step, really believing that if I stopped moving right here right now, I will freeze to death. Why? Love only knows. 

Because I sure hell didn't. But I was there. In the midst of the unfamiliar city that was draped in snow white, lips dry, unable to speak the common language, and only had my phone to guide me. You were suppose to be there with me to guide us through this.  But you weren't.  But I was there.

And the bitterness of the peak of winter sets the reality.

The situation was mean. Us not being there together was unbearable.

Just as I was about to curse it all off, I received a message from you.

Good Morning

I've been staring at my window, watching the cloud of cold air dissipate as the sun light strikes through them. The radiator is buzzing a nice hum. Winter is slowly thinning away. I winced as the butt of my cig burns through it's last end between my fingers.  I flicked the end out the window and cursed at myself for another temporary scar that will set as a reminder throughout the day of wasted moments. I looked at the side of my index finger and I can see the toughness it's gained over the past few months. well deserved calluses, I guess. I've been finding myself lately more and more indulging my early mornings staring out into the space of my window. Perhaps it's time to quit. Coffee has gotten cold
I never drink the whole thing anyway. I always preferred the smell. The same goes with the cigarette.
An hour must have passed already. The stillness of the morning was slowly stirring as I hear doors open, cars hesitantly drive over the speed bumps, and high pitched voices of the youth gathering at the park across the street. I wrapped my shawl tighter around my shoulders. Every moment is a gift, and I choose to lounge on top of my window sill like an old cat. Lucky me, this is my sweet, indulging present.