Paris

Paris will always be my favourite city because of us. It's not the same, ya know? Traveling, I mean. I always envisioned us traveling everywhere and then coming home still to just us. 

Coming home to more memories of us.

But I don't know if those were your visions as well. The thought was nice though.

I try to not bombard my thoughts with memories of you. But it still happens. Every single day.

 I looked at the half lit cigarette on the side of a ceramic plate. I've become so lazy these days that lifting a finger for pleasure seems unnecessary. So I let it burn.

Flashed of memories of you riding your bicycle by my side with the Louvre in the background while I had to take a photograph of you because I just thought you are the most handsome man in the city of Paris. You almost crashed unto a car because I told you to look at the camera. But you sped off just in time like you always do and it gets me how smooth you are most of the time.

I closed my laptop as the thoughts became overwhelming again.

I closed my eyes.

It's always going to be you.

The doctor prescribed some chinese herbs that is suppose to help with the lack of sleep but it also makes me feel indifferent, listless, and strange.  It explains the laziness. But I guess it's helping me get through with the day. Nothing else seems to work.

Tokyo

We sneaked into the infinity pool of the Ritz Carlton. Our secret hiding spot had become a weekly routine where secrets were shared and shed unto the water. In a city like Tokyo, you need to find a place to call your own. 

"You don't let anyone close, do you AJ?" she asked as she starts swimming away.

I looked at her puzzled. I shrugged. Then allowed my body to float.

"Why?" she persisted.

I shrugged again.

She laughed.  I listened to her laughter. "You know exactly why," she explained.

I floated. I thought how light her laughter was. It's nice.

She shrugged, attempting to dismiss the conversation.

"Sometimes, the hardest door to open just means no one has had the right set of keys yet," I explained as I let the water under my hair.

Break the wrists

A month ago,  we drove at 5 in the morning to climb for three days. Joshua tree always promises a refreshing retreat. All I wanted was the dirt, the rocks, the sun, the fresh air, and the silence. Complete silence that inspires the silence in my mind. 

Once that door opened and allowed the hot air in, I ran out and kissed the first boulder I saw. My little pup ran with me. He walked behind me and studied the boulder I hung up on.

"There are a few routes here that we can do from the book," he mentioned. I smiled at him and yelled out, "All of them!" 

I jumped in his arms and asked him to promise me that we will try to climb all of them. He laughed and agreed. We go back to the van with me on his back to join the rest to set up camp. 

Together, we set our six person tent. We prepped our equipment and our snacks. We were the first two out to figure out routes while the others took time to unwind from the three hour ride and smoke.

I chat on about contemplating of purchasing my own quick draws at Nomad Adventures before we leave and he admits that he'd like to do a bit of lead during this trip. Snicks ran around us sniffing and marking new spots, feeding off our excitement.

We get to the first route and our head turns sideways because we have no idea where to set up or how we will set up the rope. As enthusiastic climbers do, we began bouldering the 30 meter rock, step by step. 

"This is either really stupid or really crazy," he yelled out at me. "Shut up for a second, I'm trying to figure out how to not die here," was my only response as I realized that we are past the halfway point of no return.

This is me and him. We just go. No thinking twice, no hesitation, just action. 

Luckily, we made it to the top safe. Once we realized that, we began boasting our invincibility.

Two stupid birds on a rock trying to learn to fly, not realizing they have wings.

Our heart racing. I picked up the cordelettes and he unravelled the rope. We set up the anchor.

As we finished we did a 360 scan  of Joshua Tree. This place is so beautiful. We yelled out each other's names because this is how you send good vibrations out. I turned around to start putting my harness and I was met with a kiss on my lips.

He became my best friend these past few months since you left, not ever looking at him twice, but his lips fit perfectly with mine. He caught me in mid breath and I held the rest in.

His strong arms and hands let go of my waist as his lips separated from mine. My mouth still in mid breath. 

He turned around to grab the Gri gri and prepared the good ol' double figure eight knot.

I said nothing. I noticed how smooth his movements have become. I smiled. 

Jakarta

I find myself stranded in the middle of a tropical rain in South Jakarta, Indonesia. Thank God I was smart enough to bring my rain boots and my rucksack is waterproof. I got lost in the middle of all the traffic and smoke. Plus, all the hagglers were hanging unto me like tan geikos on a cool wall. I hated that part. The rain was heaven sent to send me off to shelter. But I have no idea where I ran off to, I just needed to get away. 

I tried to read the signs but Bahasa is only slightly similar to Ilongo and English.

To top it off the sun was going down fast.

I cursed at myself for being so reckless and wind driven in this entire trip as my boots splashed in another hole from the broken roads. Strong is what you have to be when there is no other choice to be. I can feel my heart caste in bitterness like kopi luwak. But as the rain covers me from top to bottom, I find myself laughing.

I wasn't surviving well anymore in the comforts of my home in Venice so I asked for this. I asked for an escape from my daily routine because it consisted of constant draining thoughts of you which I couldn't handle anymore. So I asked for this, a true test of my means to survive on my own. 

I smell the familiar scent that use to be my means of surviving and behind me stood a man lighting his cigarette. Why did I have to give up smoking at a country that allows smoking in doors like it's part of what makes their entries authentic.

He offers me a cigarette.  I shake my head "no" and uttered "Tidak, treemakasih." 

He points at the sky and says, "Langit harus menangis."

and I reply, "Sometimes we need it to."

I kept on walking. Forget the rain. Forget the hagglers. Forget the smoke. Forget you.

I have always been good on my own. It would've been nice if it was us on our own.

Let the heavens cry, I need it to.

Dear AJ,

I understand that there is deep hole in the bottom of your heart at the moment. It's at that exact spot that no matter how much you try to fill it in or whatever you fill it in with just filters through the hole. It's that gap that never seems to close. And with each exhale it seems to get deeper. And it's heavy. And it hurts. You have to push through it. The heart ache. You have to.

Kiss of Death

We sat in the car, holding hands, just because if he let go, I would float away. I know that sounds physically impossible but shut up for a second, and feel the way I feel, and you’d understand. He tightens the grip. He understands. But to what extent? Now is not the time to get into that, he just does. He lifts his thick left eyebrow like he always does when he can tell that I'm going deep in my head. I giggle because he really has no clue. We all don't. All he understands is to not let go of my hand because there is a possibility I will float if he does. And that's all I want right now. I put my hand on his face to wipe away that stupid look, and he grabs my hand, still holding the other and pulls me closer to his face where our lips almost touch. Almost.
The tip of our noses touches. He nudges mine with his. I can't help but to smile because that kills me. Butterfly kisses, babe, and you're a tease. And I'm a hopeless romantic. So that kills me. I breathed him in. And at the last bit of inhale, he leans and kisses me. His lips feels like sweet desert rain and his tongue melts in my mouth. I, naturally, melt into his body and surrendered that if I died right now for all of my sins, hell better feel this satisfying.

Desert ending

The sun rose over the desert mountains. The last time I was here was when you promised to never leave again so I took you back. I'm riding my bike on an empty rode. The golden purple of the desert skies is as deep as the road goes on. I stopped riding and put the bike on the side of the road. I reached inside my side sack to look for matches and my sticks. A whirl of exhaustion flooded in my body.  My head spinning. I dropped my bag and everything in it spilled all over the dirt. 

I fell unto my knees to make the world stop turning too fast.

Another sleepless night, going on day two, of what is a weekly pattern finally caught up to me. I began dry heaving as memories of you made my heart race and my mind kept spinning. The desert heat and dryness was increasing. I couldn't move.

I laid on the ground, cramped, like an abandoned piece of scrap.

Weakness couldn't even compare to what my body was processing. It was giving up.

I was giving up.